for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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