So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
