fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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