Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
