We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
