did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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