she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We don't watch enough power rangers
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.