Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.