I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.