i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
