If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
