Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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