OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
