I puked a lego.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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