but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
