Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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