sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
