Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
