I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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