It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
