He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
