A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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