Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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