i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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