i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
