last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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