My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
