You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
