i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
