The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
