We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
