dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
