I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My pussy is not your playground.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
