I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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