I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
