i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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