My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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