and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
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Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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