The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
