He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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