my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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