I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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