nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
