That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
