just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
