Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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