Will you blow on my dice?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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