I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
