I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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