I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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