So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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