So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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