My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
