When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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