did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
