If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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