Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
