two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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