I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
