I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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